


"Will You Two Shut Up?"

by TourmalineQueen



Category: Spy (2015)
Genre: Multi, comment-fic, dysfunctional threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 14:05:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4482071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TourmalineQueen/pseuds/TourmalineQueen





	"Will You Two Shut Up?"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [storiesfortravellers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/gifts).



Susan Cooper was Not Happy. Right in the middle of a lovely, sexy dream she'd been woken by Fine and Ford both leaving the bed at the same time - in the middle of the night - and proceeding to have what passed for a pissing contest. And the quieter they tried to be the noisier they actually were.

"Will you two shut up?" Susan shouted from the middle of the huge hotel bed. She looked at the travel alarm clock on the bedside locker, then remembered it wasn't actually to be used for timekeeping. And her ridiculously tacky kitten watch was unintelligible as a chronograph. "It's - what time is it?" 

Fine and Ford both flinched and looked guilty. They each checked their (Omega and Breitling, respectively, darn them) watches and said, "a qurter to four."

Rick glanced at Bradley, smirked and added, "or a quarter past seven in Kabul."

"10.45 at night in New York, or 10.45 in the morning in Hong Kong," Bradley added.

"Or a quarter to four in Dublin," Rick said proudly.

There was thirty seconds of profound silence, then Bradley and Susan both pointed out, "Dublin time is the same as London time!"

"Maybe, but it's drunker and more likely to result in a fight," Rick said defensively.

"What makes you say that? There's plenty of alcoholism in England, too," Susan pointed out, patting the duvet to entice her boys back to bed.

Rick shrugged and got back into bed. "I was infiltrating a drug baron's son's stag do in Temple Bar. Best brawlers in the world, the Irish," he said happily. 

"That is so bad on so many levels I am not even going to deal with it," Susan declared. "What were you two making all the ruckus about, anyhow?"

"He said he could hit the toilet from over there," Bradley said, climbing under the cover on Susan's other side and pointing vaguely across the room. Far from the door to the ensuite.

"With wha- no. No, no, no, no, please tell me you two weren't having a literal peeing contest, please. This is a _nice_ hotel. If they kick us out because you two marked your territory like a pair of tom cats then the CIA will stop sending us to nice places!" Susan groaned and hid her eyes under her hands.

"I didn't splash anything I wasn't supposed to," Rick pointed out. Susan sighed in pained relief, until he added, "unlike someone who shall remain nameless, Bradley "can't control his stream" Fine."

"Fine. Please tell me he's making it up to make you look bad," Susan pleaded through her fingers. Bradley squirmed guiltily.

"BOYS," Susan exclaimed in dire exasperation. "I love you both equally, you need to stop competing over me. I'm not a prize you can win away from one another."

"You must love one of us more," Rick said, sniffing loudly.

"Everyone has some kind of preference," Bradley added, looking anywhere but at Susan.

"Alright, I'm going to explain this to you for the _last time_ ," Susan said with patience she didn't feel, and certain it would not be the last time, "Ford, you've got girth. Fine, length. Ford, enthusiasm, Fine, technique. You are both the best sex I have ever had, and I love you both the exact same amount. Do you hear me?"

They mumbled something.

"Do. You. Hear. What. I'm. Saying."

"Yes, Coop," they said in unison, sounding sulky.

"Now it's four in the morning and I have an early start to get ready to look like the crazy cat lady from Minnesota again. We have two options. One: we all snuggle up under the covers and go to sleep, or Two: we have sex and then fall asleep. I'm leaning towards option One but I could be convinced to go for Option Two if you both stop competing with each other. You both won. Okay?"

Some time later, as they were all about to drop off, Rick mumbled something into Susan's ear about cats.

"What?"

"C'n you wear the cat lady outfit to bed next time?"

"We'll see."


End file.
